Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The Naughty Corner

Dear backtack pal,

As you can see from the previous post's comments, I've been sent to the naughty corner. My backtack pal from last go-round says shame on me. I'm pouting and sulking now. Please, don't let my sneakiness and curiosity wreck your fun, Sauvageblue would never forgive me and I'd like to count her as one of my bloggy/crafty friends. Especially don't stop yourself from expressing yourself on your blog, I would never forgive myself. My blogging has been a lifesaver to me this past year. I'll stop snooping... for now (a-hem… unless you insist!)

I think I can say though that you and I have a lot in common. I have over extended my abilities for about a year now. I feel like I am stretching. It feels good but at the same time I feel like I'm not so limber anymore.

In answer to some of your comments, thanks for thinking I accomplish a lot, however I have come to understand that all of us feel everyone else is doing so much and that we ourselves accomplish so little in comparison. My house is a disaster zone, my craft room is in shambles and is so bad that I have taken to closing the door to it. I noticed last night, my daughter still has a bit of green play-dough stuck to one of her sheets which must have been from the other night when I chastised her and her friend about playing with playdough in bed. My bedroom has two baskets of clean unfolded clothes which are starting to mingle with dirty clothes and if I don't catch it soon, I will be forced to wash it all again. My backtack materials are half downstairs on the rec-room floor and half upstairs on the kitchen table. I have a two day old dead fish in a fish bowl that I keep meaning to empty but while leaving for Board meetings at 6:30 - 7:00 am and cooking till 11:00 - 11:30 pm, I haven't been able to get it done.

All of this sound disgusting of course but it goes to show you that on the hierarchy of the things-to-do scale, I am in a sad state.

Don't berate yourself on feeling you aren't accomplishing as much as someone else. It’s like that old "the grass is always greener..." proverb. Blogging is like the TV world in a way, the pretty stuff shows up but the reality of things isn't always the case. I don't really think I accomplish all that much. Not if you saw the hundreds and maybe thousands of dollars in craft materials and tools that I have stockpiled that are just waiting to be used.

We all could do more I guess, but I figured out a while ago, while pulling myself out of a creative depression (which sadly happens every once and a while) that if I dwell on what I think I should be producing, 1) I'll slide right back into depression and not be able to create and 2) I won't appreciate that I am ALWAYS using my skills to create. That last fact is really my important attitude saver. To keep creatively sane, I must acknowledge that am still creating even when I am not working with beads, or wire or leather. By working with my daughter, cooking meals together with my husband and volunteering, I am working my creative soul. Those things have to be counted too, even though it is not a finished project that can be shown on my blog it has some very concrete outcomes. My daughter is a happy and creative child and we have a strong bond. My husband and I are working on our 18th year together (and I am only 35), we talk about our relationship, we work on our relationship and we are proud of it. And through volunteering I am learning to appreciate the intangible creativeness that comes from working little people who are just discovering themselves and their abilities. I have to allow myself to enjoy the good feelings I get about these uses of my abilities and that they are just as valid a creative accomplishment as beading a dreamcatcher is.

Oh and I personally think that stay at home mom's do more work than most of us do-it-all-ers. When I was on maternity leave I couldn't believe the guilt I felt at being home. I couldn't let myself sit knowing my husband was "working" all day. Yah right! I don't feel guilty about it anymore, if I could do it financially I'd be home in a snap and be damned if I would feel guilt about it for a second. I know now that when I was home it allowed us to be a family together instead of having to spend nights and weekends trying to run a household and deal with outside-of-work responsibilities, we would be able to go on walks, ride our bikes, travel, renovate the house, garden... all things that were quality time with each other. We had a better quality of life. I never sat down, even at night I'd fold laundry while watching TV.

Now I "work" all day, and when I get home at night I flop on the couch and go into a trancelike vegetative state all too often, and if I actually compared the amount of "work" I accomplish, I would say that working outside of the home breeds laziness. Like you don't have to "work" anymore the moment you walk into the house, because you “worked” all day. Blah it’s all such a waste!

I didn't realize to someone reading my blog that I would seem heartfelt and open about Lina's difficulties in school. What I felt was frustration. I needed to vent and this was the only place I thought I could do it properly. It's like therapy to blog sometimes. And since I have a writing process when I blog, I seem to be able to discover exactly how I feel about things that started out confusing and angering me. I type everything out as it comes out, then I go back and re-type, sometimes I re-type the entry again. Then I edit, asking myself do I really feel that way? Is that really true? What I publish is pretty much what I feel needs to be recorded for later reference. And I do re-read my entries. They help to put a perspective on things. Allowing public access just ensures that I write things that I can truly stand behind and that I am truthful with myself. Not to mention the possibility of different perspectives from people who have gone through the same trials. And I am always interested in other people’s ideas! Your experiences and opinions would be invaluable.

In my research of homeschooling techniques, I did indeed look at the Waldorf theories. I am not as familiar with those as much as maybe the Charlotte Mason or the Montessori methods. I am a big believer in setting a child loose in a field and letting her discover the truths about life and nature herself. I was able to do a lot of that growing up myself and I am saddened with the disconnection children feel with the living world now. I think it is awesome that you have chosen an alternative method to school your son and that you are so involved. Sometimes I think I am too involved with my daughter and I try my hardest to back off and see what she can work out for herself, being a big believer in independence and self reliance, but it is a hard thing to balance being a mom.

So now that I have blabbed my fingers off once again, I guess it’s time to get back to “work”. Happy creating! Can’t wait to see what you come up with!

3 Comments:

Blogger sauvageblue said...

Wow! you went deep. Smile! Yes, I am proud to say I am one of your bloggy/crafty friends. You really spoke through your fingers. But, seriously you grossed me out on the dead fish thingy, yuk! dirty laundry , dirty dishes, craft mess on every flat surface I can relate. But give fishy a proper burial. Now really seriously, did I read Tiara somewhere?

9:30 PM  
Blogger ria said...

OK, dead fishy thing gone. I am done my Board meetings now. However, does it gross you out to know that it now resides in my freezer? Lina and I have a mass burial to accomplish, waiting for her friend Chloe to join us to bury the dead fish from this early spring. We have four fish to bury now. I guess the services will take place this weekend. I'll do the play by play on my blog.

Yes, you did read tiara. I'll make one for you, or rather for your collection. But really wouldn't you rather have some french beaded flowers? If you'll wear one, send me your measurements (I EXPECT A PICTURE). If you would like it for a little soul in your life, send me hers. I never walk away from fulfilling my karmic duties, it just takes me a while.

10:06 PM  
Blogger sauvageblue said...

I can't believe it two blogs in one night with the fish think going on heaven help me! http://showmeyourknits.typepad.com check it out seriously what are the odds. I came back over to let you know twice in one day I am hearing about fish corpse's and then you wrote there is a mass burial being planned with a play by play, O.K.! I am now creeped out. Lets see next you will let me know you have a cryogenics lab planned, pending funding. Give Chloe a call and lay the fishes to rest.

Oh la, la French, insert heavy accent, beaded fleurs but of course. I would love beaded flowers. But I need a Tiara most of all. I do not have a collection of Tiaras. I just need one little ol' one for me. Little soul is as big as me almost and already raids my closet. It doesn't help I gained weight and she likes to wear my smaller sized clothes, teenagers! Plus she refers to my clothing as vintage, yes please go ahead and laugh! I have no pride...

1:23 AM  

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